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Surviving Russia: Russian New Year’s

31 Dec

So…… we’re going to a Russian Restaurant for NYE tonight.

Picture Russian Dolls, the Bolshoi Ballet and any short-cropped hair, droopy eyed, cigarette smoking Russian terrorist from a late 80s/early 90s action blockbuster all gorging on “fell off the back of a NYC delivery truck” import quota black caviar while guzzling premium vodka in between dancing to Russian techno music at a renaissance period furnished palace in the middle of a suburban strip mall.

Did I mention the liquor leader??

He’s the group-appointed coxswain or drill sergeant who makes sure the entire group toasts at perfectly timed intervals while commemorating everything from health to happiness to sexual vigor.

Here’s to the Russia I live in or as I like to call it, ‘Surviving Russia’.

To good health, endless happiness and strong like ox sexual vigor in 2012!

Surviving Russia: The Stumble

8 Jan

Photo: (Stuck in Customs)

KABOOM! AHHHH! SPLAT! OWWWW!

Russian Future Mother-in-law: What happened?!?

Phil: I just slipped and fell down the stairs.

Russian Future Mother-in-law: Is your laptop okay?

Phil: Yea, it looks like it’s still working.

Russian Future Father-in-law: How did you fall?

Phil: These last two steps are slippery.

Russian Future Father-in-law: You see! You need to stop wearing socks!

Russian Girlfriend: Nobody has ever fallen down those stairs before.

Phil: Thanks for letting me know.

Confirm that nothing will cost money:

Check.

Confirm that it is completely my fault:

Check.

Confirm that I am a clumsy idiot:

Check.

Surviving Russia: Honey, I Want a Smoothie

30 Dec

Photo: (eleda 1)

“Honey, I want a smoothie.”

My girlfriend had literally just opened her eyes upon waking.

No “good morning.”

No “hi honey.”

Just an ice-cold Russian administering a test of our relationship first thing in the morning.

Usually, it’s no big deal.  As many of you know, I love smoothies and make them all the time for both of us.

Today was different.

It was an absolutely frigid Sunday morning and the air temperature inside the house was 65 degrees.  I had woken up several minutes before, made my morning bathroom pit stop and set my coffeemaker in the kitchen.  I crawled back into my warm bed and turned on my laptop to cruise the morning news headlines while the girlfriend was still sleeping.

Before I even clicked the Internet browser icon, I heard those sweet words and the following conversation ensued:

P: “Seriously?”

GF: “I’m hungry.”

I burst out laughing.

P: “I just crawled back into bed.  Why didn’t you ask me when I was in the kitchen?”

GF: “I wasn’t ready yet.  I was still sleeping.”

Touché.

Option 1: Get up and make the smoothie.

Option 2: Delay, delay delay.

Option 3: No smoothie for you!

I chose option 2.

P: “I’ll make you a smoothie, but not yet.  I want to read the morning headlines.”

G: “Okay, but your coffee is done.  Don’t you need to go to the kitchen anyway?”

CHECKMATE.

P: “I hate you.”

GF: “I lovvvvve youuuu.  Banana, strawberry and pineapple smoothie please.”